That Darn Fourth Trimester

Everyone warned us that things would be different once the baby arrived. We were sure that we would be the exception to the rule. We were sure that we would bring our new little one home and be blissfully happy forever and ever, amen.

To be honest, we expected some kind of change. We expected to be exhausted and for our love to have shifted in some way, but we never expected to drift so far apart. The first weeks home with Finn are a bit of a blur to me, but I know that I was emotionally drained and still grieving the loss of our natural birth. It has taken me a while to truly appreciate the decisions we had to make at the birth center and I'm still working towards completely being able to accept and embrace our birth story.

Vaughan, on the other hand, seemed to have accepted it and moved on in a matter of days. This makes perfect sense as the connection a woman has with pregnancy and birth is not quite the same as a man's. Don't get me wrong, I think Vaughan felt the loss, just not in the same way I did. To add to this tension, I clammed up. I didn't tell him that I was overwhelmed with emotions ranging from pure joy to complete loss. I didn't let him know that I needed him to tell me he was proud of me and that he still loved me. Sounds silly, I know, but I needed to hear it.


So there we were, new parents who felt like we barely knew the person we were parenting alongside. We had good moments where it seemed like things were getting back on track, but then we would have an argument over something silly and it would send us right back to feeling like "roommates." Eventually, I had to force myself to talk to Vaughan. I forced myself to tell him when I was upset about our birth or when I was feeling overwhelmed and needed to be alone for a while. It wasn't easy to admit, even to him, but I knew it was what we needed in order to bridge the gap that was growing between us. I don't have all the answers and I know we have more obstacles ahead of us (disciplining toddlers, anyone?) but what I've learned is the real importance of communication. Yeah, we all think we know this and it may seem obvious but OH MY GOODNESS, it has been a lifesaver in the past few months!

Our story is unique (as are all pregnancy/birth/parenting stories) and I had to work through it in my own way to be able to find my way back to normal. While this "normal" includes a lot less sleep, a lot more spit-up, and a ton of wonderful baby cuddles, it's our normal now. These last three months have flown by and dragged on at the same time and I'm finally starting to feel like I've come out the other side of the fogginess of the "fourth trimester," but I wanted to write about it (a) so other women might read this and know that they're not alone and (b) so if we are blessed enough to have another child in the future, I will be able to read over this and know a bit better what I'm getting into.

We are so grateful that our little bug is here and I cannot imagine my life without him. Motherhood has been so wonderful to me in so many ways, but I think it's important to be honest and admit that there are challenges. I never could've imagined the range of emotions I've experienced since my Finn arrived but I wouldn't give him up for anything. I don't want to write it all off or downplay the struggle, but it truly is all worth it to have the honor of raising this little boy.

-Lauren


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